From Euphoria
by Simply Kim
Summary: Halloween Fic This is not what I envisioned myself to be when I was but a child... But I'm still here... like this...


TITLE: **From Euphoria**

BY: **Simply Kim**

GENRE: **Implied Yaoi **

DISCLAIMERS: **The series I'm referring to does not belong to me… ^_^ only this weird story does.**

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FROM EUPHORIA 

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            It's degrading... the way I lounge on this soft canopied bed, waiting like always for you to come home. 

            It's degrading... the way I try to make sense of myself, seeking answers to questions I should have answered before I became what I am now.

            It's degrading... the way I try to boost my rapidly depleting self esteem as I lie in complete anxiety, that somehow I could find my way through the darkness that I had begun to see as my future.

            It's degrading... that I see myself as if in a dream, bound, broken, naked... much like some lowlife ordered to stay inside this huge edifice like some kept woman.

            It's degrading... that I, even with all of these haunting me as if a cacophony of evil spirits, still manage to feel for someone who had reduced me to such a spineless being.

            It's degrading... that even after treating me like the lowest of the low, I'm still here... and wanting it... needing it as a flower needs sunlight... as the smallest of animals needs clean air to breathe...

            It's degrading... that I still live with the obvious knowledge that if I don't move away, you will consume me whole until I would no longer be an individual, but some lifeless doll bought at a random toy store in this town.

            This is not what I envisioned myself to be when I was but a child. 

            I dreamt of a big wide world filled with pastel-colored houses and brilliant azure skies. I dreamt of vast horizons where I could fly... touching the birds as they pass me by. I dreamt of purity... of beautiful music... of peace...

            Of warmth...

            I never dreamt that I would end up like this.

            I rarely get up from this bed. I am always lying in wait, glancing frequently at the door, waiting for the porcelain knob to turn, waiting for your familiar face to peek in and your comforting voice to invite yourself over. 

            I am here... Just like I've always been here.

            I can hear something rumbling. It must be my stomach... maybe I forgot to eat again... this morning? Last night? I don't really remember when I have last eaten... maybe I have eaten this morning... and last night too... but I cannot be sure.

            All I know is that I've been staying here for such a long time that it feels like ages... So long that I'm feeling a slight cramp on my legs now... maybe if I change into a better position, they wouldn't hurt too much.

            But I can't. I can't move them... I don't have the heart to move them. I won't be as fanciful to your eyes if I move... So I won't... you're more important anyway... after all, I am yours, right? I am nothing but your property... I remember you saying that... last night? The night before? I really don't remember when you said that... maybe you said it last night... and the other night too... but I cannot be sure.

            The clock hands are fixed that it read a quarter past nine.

            It seems like you're late again... like the other times before. I seem to have a knack at looking up at the clock at the exact same time... a quarter past nine. You always seem to be satisfied when you make me worry... I wonder why.

            I want to get up now... get up now and look for you outside... but something is keeping me away from doing so. I cannot seem to find the courage to go and twist the knob to open that hated door... that door that seems to be getting a bit dilapidated as days pass by... maybe I should tell you about it tonight...

            Please hurry home... I'm feeling quite alone... more so than always. These attacks of loneliness seem to be triggered too often now. I had it the other night... or was it the night before that? I really don't remember... maybe I had it the other night... or the night before that... but I cannot be sure... nothing matters anyway...

            Nothing matters except you coming home.

            TAP.

            TAP.

            TAP.

            I can hear your footsteps... the same as always... and surprisingly, at the moment where I would always hear your footsteps come up the marble staircase in the past. I can hear the door creaking open ever so slowly... and my heart leaps up to my throat. There is terror... I can feel fear coursing through me...

            But why? Why would I feel fear at a time like this?

            Cautiously, you peek in... and then... as always, invite yourself over.

            I find it endearing when you do that... With amazing lightness, I patted the space beside me, and as always, you sink onto the bed, resting on my lap... I can practically hear you commenting on how comforting it felt.

            But why are there tears in your eyes again? What happened this time? Please tell me... I want to ask you what is wrong... but something holds me back from doing so. I do not understand anymore...

            "Kaede... Kaede..." I hear you say. "I'm sorry..."

            What? What are you saying...? What are you sorry for? If it is about you making me worry... well, I forgive you! I forgave you already the first time... although I didn't tell you that back then...

            "I shouldn't have... I... I'm sorry... If only I... that I would have you here... with me..."

            What is he sorry for? What is this pain I feel... on my... why am I bleeding? I do not understand... explanations... I... my wrists are bleeding... help me... Akira!

            Why do I have these scars? 

            Bruises on my arms...

            Why do I have all of these?

            I can't... I don't... Help me... 

            Akira!

            Your eyes... why are you crying? Why are you crying NOW? Please... stop that and look at me! Can't you see I'm bleeding all over your bed? Strange though... the sheets... they are still white... I... I do not understand...

            "Kaede... it's all my fault... I shouldn't have made you suffer so much... It was degrading... I know, but... it was the only way I can think of that time..." Those tears... they are tearing me up inside... and yet, some part of me wants to lash out at you for whatever injustice it is that you're talking about... is it the way you treat me? Like I am your property only? Like some dumb thing you can use everytime?

It's degrading... the way I lounge on this soft canopied bed, waiting like always for you to come home. 

            It's degrading... the way I try to make sense of myself, seeking answers to questions I should have answered before I became what I am now.

            It's degrading... the way I try to boost my rapidly depleting self esteem as I lie in complete anxiety, that somehow I could find my way through the darkness that I had begun to see as my future.

            It's degrading... that I see myself as if in a dream, bound, broken, naked... much like some lowlife ordered to stay inside this huge edifice like some kept woman.

            It's degrading... that I, even with all of these haunting me as if a cacophony of evil spirits, still manage to feel for someone who had reduced me to such a spineless being.

            It's degrading... that even after treating me like the lowest of the low, I'm still here... and wanting it... needing it as the flower needs sunlight... as the smallest of animals need clean air to breathe...

            It's degrading... that I still live with the obvious knowledge that if I don't move away, you will consume me whole until I would no longer be an individual, but some lifeless doll bought at a random toy store in this town.

            This is not what I envisioned myself to be when I was but a child... but all regret is pointless now... because in more ways than one... you won.

            "I only wanted you to... to..." You're sobbing... shouldn't you be worried that someone might hear? "I wanted you to be... mine... only mine... no one else's... I..."

            "Kaede... forgive me... please..."

            I... Akira... I want to touch you... I can feel your warmth... but... why wouldn't you look at me? Why wouldn't you open your eyes and see me like this? I am... bleeding... Why am I bleeding?

            Why can't I move?

            Why do I stay stationary like this? 

            Why can't I feel anything?

            I... I'm crying... I can feel tears dripping down my cheeks... I feel cold... Akira... hold me...

            Why don't you hold me?

            Stop apologizing... hold me... I ask of you this... even if I know I'll be punished by you later for this single impertinence...

            Hold me...

            Akira.

            TAP.

            TAP.

            TAP.

            Someone's knocking... Akira... whoever it is... No one should see me like this!

            Akira! Don't get up... please! Don't open the door –

            "Akira... God, you're crying again." 

            Koshino Hiroaki... Akira's best friend... He cannot see me like this... Why is he here?

            I cannot move! Help me... I'm bleeding! 

            He's scanning the room with his hypnotic eyes... Koshino-san... he... he...

            He sees me... He sees me! He's... he's pushing Akira away... entering... God, I cannot move! Why can't I move? Koshino-san... don't look at me like that... Akira... help me... if I don't get out of here... I will die bleeding! Akira... help me... I can't move... it hurt... my wrists hurt... Akira...

            "He's here." 

Koshino-san... Why are you looking at me like that...? Like you're going to kill me... Are you...?

            I want to get away... but I can't move... Why can't I move?

            "Kaede..." Akira breathes in complete disbelief. Why is he like that? Is this some game they cooked up to break me? Like in high school? He's here with me for a long time! Why can he not see me? Akira... stop that! 

            "Yes."

            "Where?"

            "On the bed."

            "On the... bed?"

            "Yes... and he's..."

            Akira's eyes... they're widening... and surprisingly, he flings himself to me... landing once again, on my lap. His tears... they're so cold... why is he crying?

            I want to stroke his hair... feel those soft strands devoid of their spikes now that we are older... I like him better this way... he seems more mature... more human... Akira... 

            My Akira.

            "I'm sorry... I'm sorry Kaede..." He sobs out with total abandon. He's crying yet again. Why is he being dramatic tonight? And with Koshino-san in the same room too... what could have happened? 

            I feel the blood rushing down my sensitive skin... but the sheets... they're still as pristine as ever... The acute nauseating sensation is surfacing again. Help me... Get me out of this bed... I cannot move...

            "You can never move away Rukawa." 

            I met Koshino-san's eyes... they're full of sympathy... why? And there's... pity too... and a whole lot of sadness...

            "Koshino-san..." I find myself calling out... "Akira... why?"

            "You can never move away... unless you let go."

            I don't understand... 

            Akira... he's still crying. I can feel his tears, but...

            "You do not belong here anymore. Let go... please, Rukawa." 

            I don't understand...

            I don't understand...

            I don't understand...

            Slowly, Akira reaches for me... touches my skin... and his hand...

            His hand went through me.

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OWARI

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A/N: Happy Halloween people! Wrote this fic for all of you! Hope you enjoyed reading this piece of my weird imagination! Tell me what you think of it! ^___^


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